Monday, September 26, 2011

It's definitely been a while since my last post - almost a month and yet things (like time) seem to slip away. I read a post from a friend from college and even though she didn't quite say it, her post was/is a good reminder to stay connected and even write just a little bit here and there will help me, and those who want to be kept in the loop.

These past few weeks have been stressful. Really stressful. To pinpoint the stress, to put my index finger on it and jam it into the ground so it no longer becomes a problem is hard to do because I feel as though it is a little of this and a little of that until it all builds up and WHAM! out comes most things...but it still doesn't feel any better.

I've been applying for and looking for jobs since April of this year. It's been about six months since I've started and I've only had one interview and a lot of dead ends. This is so frustrating. I have a second interview possibly on Tuesday, or maybe Thursday (I'll find out tomorrow) for a job within the education department of the Alaska Zoo.

I'm really burned out working at Barnes & Noble. I would really like to a. be paid much more than I am making (Auntie Annie's in the Mall has a starting hiring pay of more than what I am making and I've been with the company for a year) and b. a more stable schedule, preferably days with weekends off or just occasionally - say one a month. This job is not my career and it won't become one.

Bridget is getting married at the end of October. I would have really liked to keep it a surprise, but Andrew needed to know if he needed to wear his dress blues and I can't ask Bridget or Matt or Matt's Mom without one of them finding out and ruining the surprise. So I told her today (and Erin too) and they were both pretty happy. Now I have to figure out what to wear.

Andrew and I booked a cabin overnight for tomorrow evening and I thought I had a shift switch with another employee but it wasn't approved because mine says 'institutional' on the schedule and the coworker isn't trained in that so I either a. call Renee in the morning and ask her to switch me to Tuesday evening instead or b. call out even though it's lying and I'd have to give some excuse and possibly lose my job over it or c. go to work anyways, lose the money we paid for this cabin (and a lot of the fun I've been looking forward to for the past week or so). I don't know what to do.

I've been getting upset about a lot of little things and blowing a lot of things out of proportion/taking them too seriously when I don't think normally I would be. So tomorrow morning at like 6:30 I'll be calling up my PCM for an appt..hopefully in the afternoon. I need to talk to her and let her know what's going on. Plus, if I need to see someone else, she needs to give out a referral.

My spiritual life sucks. Major. I haven't been reading the Bible, talking to God, praying etc. I feel no motivation to, I don't want to. Yes I am going to church - which is wonderful - except today we didn't make it because of other important things we had to take care of. I really like this church we are going to and I am somewhat growing but it is painfully slow. Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy slow.  I think I feel discouraged too because I am not getting spiritual 'checkups and encouragement' from the one person in my life who matters the most: Andrew. And he's still trying to figure himself out too. It's hard to encourage someone to be better when you yourself are not where you should be. We've stopped doing devotions together at night (it takes five minutes) and that is bothering me. I sometimes read them by myself but I would really like for him to be present for it - not snoozing on the other side of the bed - and willing to discuss parts of it like the book suggests with the questions at the bottom of the page. Any advice?

I didn't think that my mom moving out of the house I grew up in would bother me so much. Yes, I think it is wonderful and great that she is finally getting her own place, away from memories we might not want to remember and be able to get a fresh start...but when Andrew and I go to MA this October, I'm not going to be staying in the house I grew up in. The way I know to get home is not going to be the same. What it comes down to, really, is that I didn't think seriously that the few days before I got married of this year would be the last time I saw/slept/lived in the house. I figured that when I came back for a visit, my room would still be there (after all, mom promised that my room would always be there) and Andrew and I would just stay in it. But I guess that's not happening.

Another thing that is frustrating me is that everyone back home is hammering for us to come and see them (Andrew has already flown home four times within the past year) and blah blah blah but why is it that they can't come and see us? 'oh, well we have full time jobs and we have this and that and plane tickets are expensive...' what do they think we are? Made of money? Not working? Plane tickets from Anchorage AK to Boston MA are pretty expensive (although we did get a good deal on these ones) and certainly add up over time. Plus, we still had to get time off approved from our managers/bosses and put everything on hold so we can fly back. Stop whining about us not coming to see you/make it out to your function/making excuses because we (meaning me mostly) are sick of hearing your excuses. Want to see us so badly? Buy a flippin' plane ticket and fly your silly bottom out here.

The end.